Cue the ominous music! I just said the infamous S-word, the one that makes modern women want to rip those three verses right out of Ephesians (4:22-24).
Less than two years ago, I recall having a conversation with a Christian friend about relationships. We were both itching to get engaged to our then-boyfriends (she's finally marrying hers next weekend!). And she said she fully expected to submit to her husband. I was astonished - nobody actually did that anymore! Was she crazy?! I didn't think those non-denominational folks followed the hard sayings in the Bible - I thought they were just the feel-goods. Her church must be fairly evangelical. When I asked for more detail, she said that she would tell her now-fiance her feelings on a subject and trust him to make the best decision after that.
I was appalled. And I made darn sure to tell my husband the scientist that we would never have a relationship like that. We were an equal partnership - we did and always would make decisions together. And since I'm a fairly intelligent woman and he's not a caveman, he agreed completely.
But in the eighteen months since then, I've really started to soften on this. Every time that passage comes up, the verse before it comes up ("Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ"), and the verses after it, that call the husband to give up his life for his wife. And the Catholic viewpoint on it is that spouses are called to live in "mutual submission" to each other. Mutual submission doesn't seem too bad to me. If I feel strongly about something, my husband will go with it. If he feels strongly about something, I have no problem going with it - in fact, if he feels strongly, I enthusiastically follow!
The more I pondered this, the more I wondered if I was just copping out. It's a lot easier to let my husband the scientist make the decisions! But by his very personality, he's already thought through the alternatives and figured out what the best decision for us is - not the best decision for him, but for us. And I know deep down that if he believes a certain decision is right, I'm going to eventually accept it.
When I just looked at that last line I typed, I mused "Maybe it's because we haven't had any really big decisions to make yet." But we have had a surprisingly amount of hard decisions to make in the past year - sending me back to Houston for a semester, switching to NFP, becoming Catholic, moving in with my father-in-law.
For the past several months I've been contemplating "New Feminism" and the complementarity of the sexes. (Note to self: I need to do more reading instead of just thinking about it.) And almost without either of us knowing it, I've started to strive to be obedient to him.
Agh! I can't believe I just wrote that! But now that I started thinking about it, I've realized it's true. Maybe it is a cop-out and just a release for my indecisive self. Maybe it's something that only works in marriages where the personalities fit to that model (ours does quite well, because my husband is more opinionated and I'm more easy-going). Or maybe, just maybe, it's the Biblical (dare I even suggest right?) way to live.
Hm, no, I won't suggest right. Because I'm still figuring it out myself. But I thought I'd bring it up, because my favorite blogger did today from a different (business and anthropological) perspective. (I haven't read her links at the end yet, but am looking forward to.) And I love hearing what you all have to say about these things, whether we agree or not!
I pretty sure my husband the scientist doesn't want a submissive wife - he wants one with an opinion. (Will the world explode if my opinion is that I should grit my teeth and submit?!) I haven't talked to him about this lately, but I intend to bring it up again soon. Maybe on our short anniversary getaway this weekend - nothing to set the mood like discussing the Bible and authority! If he completely disagrees or if we come up with any brilliant insight, I'll let you know.
In the meantime, don't worry - I'm not planning on taking it too far. I still hope to have him submit to me the next time we go to the movies - I've been hankering to see Julie and Julia.