The Green Room

7 Quick Takes (7): Embarrassing Athletic Edition!

Check out www.conversiondiary.com for more Quick Takes! (It's really funny this week... )

1
This Sunday I'm running a half-marathon

This post is not to brag, but to correct. Sometimes one of my friends will accidentally think I'm a really good athlete. Sometimes I will accidentally think I'm a really good athlete. It's never a good thing, because it usually precedes me being physically humbled! Like last week, when I tripped in the middle of my run and almost completely wiped out. On Main Street. During the height of rush hour traffic.

I am not actually a skilled runner. So to leave no doubt about my lack of athletic prowess, here, in chronological order, are a selection of my most embarrassing athletic moments.

2

My First Cross-Country Meet
(Freshman in high school)

In the middle of my very first race, I suddenly had a strange feeling - down there. I kept running but was completely panicked! Did I just go to the bathroom in my pants?! I had heard stories of this! Oh my gosh, I hadn't wanted to wear these stupid short shorts anyway, and now who knows what is dripping - leaking - gushing out from them! Did that person cheering just look at me funny? Oh my gosh, everyone can see! They all know! And I am too terrified to look down there! I'll just keep running!

I sprinted straight from the finish line to my bag and yanked a pair of long soccer shorts over my other shorts. No, I did not care what my time was. No, I did not need a drink of water. I needed a bathroom!!

Which was unavailable. I tried every nearby building - all locked, and not a port-a-potty in sight. I was on the verge of a complete break-down when my mother finally sympathized and took me to the nearest Wal-Mart. I discovered that I had not gone to the bathroom in my pants, but I had started my period. Big time. Please recall that starting your period is still a traumatic event every month for a 14 year old girl.

And even more so when you're on a co-ed team and not sure whether anyone noticed your mysterious half-hour absence.

3

Drill Debacle
(Freshman in college)

I took "Military Science" my first year of college to try to get out of taking a generic health class. I'm one of those weirdos who thought the idea of getting up early once a week for drill sounded kinda fun!

The day before our second drill, I gave blood, and then went to rugby practice. No big deal - I had given blood and gone to sports practices many times before. And I was fine at practice and that night.

But not so fine at drill. I started feeling a little woozy doing the jumping jacks. As soon as we bent over to stretch - bam! I blacked out for a second and opened my eyes from the ground.

Can it get any more mortifying than passing out in front of 50 other people, mostly guys?! To make matters worse, one of the cute older boys had to walk me to the library for a drink and hang out with me during the rest of the time, shaking his head over this lame freshman girl. Seriously, who passes out during stretching?

Two years later, I was regaling my friends with this story. And one of them said, "Hey, I was in military science. I actually remember that!" Lest I think I sank into anonymity.

4
Training for my first marathon (a)
(Senior in college - a Sunday)

I spent the summer before my senior year training for my first marathon. By the time I was three months into the training, I was feeling pretty cocky about it. So I was sure that our annual float trip wouldn't interfere with my scheduled long run.

I set out in the heat of the afternoon, determined to fit in my run after driving a couple hours to get home. I started to realize I might be a little dehydrated - a weekend full of sun and beer will in fact do that to you. But I pushed on, making it to the 8 mile turnaround point.

A mile or two later, I knew I wasn't going to make it. I had to stop and walk. I was soo thirsty. But I was in the middle of the country with no place to go. Seriously - I was surrounded by corn fields. (Did I mention I ran in quite rural areas?) I stumbled on, by this point almost dangerously dehydrated.

Finally, I saw a house in the distance. And there were actually people outside! I mustered up the strength to make it up the long driveway. The people looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I asked for a drink, and the woman, who was apparently a nurse, obliged. I collapsed on their porch and soaked up the shade and the water. They kindly insisted on giving this sweaty, stinky stranger a ride home.

Talk about learning your lesson the hard way - that's what I get for thinking I could be a party girl and a good runner! Contrary to popular belief, those things are in fact mutually exclusive.

5
Training for my first marathon (b)
(Senior in college - the following Wednesday)

I had been lucky enough to never have to go to the bathroom when I was out running. This might be because I sweat like a fiend and was usually covered in salt by the time I was finished with my run. But one day I realized a couple miles in that I really needed to go to the bathroom.

No problem, I thought. I'll just duck into a corn field. I started looking around. Not a corn field in sight. Not a tree in sight. Just beans. Yes, I was surrounded by soybean fields as far as the eye could see.

This is silly, I thought. How can there not be a corn field when you need one?!

I pushed on, hoping for some sort of large natural cover. I saw the tops of trees over a hill - salvation! But when I reached the top of the hill, I saw that they were just two skinny trees right next to the road. That wouldn't do.

It was starting to become a bathroom emergency. I debated just crouching in the bean field, but beans just aren't high enough for that. I finally saw a house coming up. My mind was debating, but my stomach would have none of that. It was roaring and I did not want a repeat of the feelings in QuickTake #1 above!

So I ran up the yard and arrived at the front door. A man and his daughter opened the door, and kindly allowed this crazy sweaty stranger into their home to use the bathroom.

I don't want to be too graphic, but it was loud. And it smelled. And it took me a while. And I think I scared the little girl.

6
Training for my first marathon (c)
(Senior in college - the following Saturday)

Part of training for a marathon involves one final really long run, a 20-22 miler before the 26.2 mile race. That's really far, farther than any of my normal routes. So I planned this one out ahead of time, and actually took the time to drive the route and spray red arrows on the road where I needed to turn. I set out water at different points along the way and even spray painted some mile markers. I was completely prepared. This was gonna be a great run.

I had my roommate Brooke drive several miles out of town to drop me off at the starting point. And off I went! The run was quite pleasant, and it was fun seeing new countryside. It was quite deserted, so I didn't have to worry about old men stopping to ask if I needed a ride (which had happened before).

Around mile 14, I realized that I hadn't seen any red arrows in a while. No big deal, I told myself. You only put arrows where you needed to turn. You must not be turning for a while. Certainly no need to worry that the road was blacktopped and it was difficult to see the red paint and there was a slight chance I could've missed an arrow. I continued jogging down the road.

A few miles later I started getting really concerned. I was definitely in no man's land. I kept waiting to come to a red arrow and a water bottle - but it didn't happen. I kept waiting to come to a highway I recognized - but it didn't happen. I kept waiting to come to a house - but it didn't happen.

I had gone too far to backtrack now.

The fear didn't really overtake me until I realized dusk was closing in. And then it was all I could do not to be petrified. Each time I saw a building in the distance, I got my hopes up. And then they would be dashed - an abandoned shed, a sketchy house falling down, an empty barn. The miles kept passing.

I prayed during all of these events I'm writing about, but I prayed really hard during this one! I was tired. I was dehydrated. I was lost in the middle of the country. I was a helpless girl who would be too exhausted to fight back if someone scary came along. I was on the edge of tears.

Finally I came across a normal house. A house with a trampoline in the backyard, which meant children! And safety! But it was dark. There were no cars in the drive. I stopped and looked long and hard at it.

And resumed running. A mile or so later, I saw another house, this time a broken-down trailer. It also looked abandoned. I couldn't do it anymore. I turned around and ran back to the house with children. I didn't care if no one was there. It was getting dark. I would wait there until they got home.

I slowly jogged up the driveway. I rang the front door. Silence inside.

I burst into tears.

And then there was movement inside! A very wary woman with an infant on her hip peered out at me.

"Are you okay?"

"No," I managed between sobs. "I'm lost!"

This poor woman was terrified of this hysterical girl on her front porch, but was kind enough to let me in anyway. It was against her better judgment, as her husband wasn't home, but I was in no shape to do them harm! I asked to use her phone to call my friends to pick me up.

That's when I realized she really was scared of me. She pulled out a calling card and was so nervous that it took her several times to dial it correctly. I got a hold of Brooke, started crying again, and handed the phone to the woman to give them directions.

Thirty minutes later, my chariot arrived. It remained forever a complete mystery to us all how I had wound up where I was.

(Were you paying attention to the dates? Yes, the past three events all happened in the same week.)

7
Hospitalized in Houston
(First year in grad school)

I'm not sure if you know, but it's really humid in Houston. I thought all of Texas was going to be a "dry heat" when I moved there - not so. It was still ridiculously humid in November when I was running a 25k race.

Somehow I was also having allergy issues that weekend. I was popping Actifed every 4-6 hours starting the day before in the hopes that it wouldn't affect my run.

Midway through the race, I knew something was wrong. A guy that I always beat was catching up to me.

"Elizabeth, you don't look too good," he said in a worried tone.

"I'm fine," I shrugged, and sped up to get away from him.

He caught up to me again.

"Really, maybe you should just walk for minute," he suggested.

The audacity! That a girl who is weaving all over the road and can't run in a straight line and can't quite see clearly should stop!

"No, I only have two miles left," I responded to his fuzzy figure. I can be a bit stubborn. He ran on past me.

Suddenly, I tripped and fell onto the grass beside the road. Into a bunch of cockaburrs. My legs started spasming.

I was disgusted with myself. Less than a mile to go! Clearly I needed to get up and just finish this stupid race.

The volunteer that came to help me had a different idea. A pair of handsome EMTs and an ambulance were her solution.

"Are you pregnant?" was the first question.

"No," I dismissed it.

"Are you sure?" they repeated.

"Yes." I said firmly.

This set of questions was asked to me four more times. I'm sure there are girls out there who really aren't 100% sure when they are asked this question. But in my case, it was physically impossible for me to be pregnant. There had been no immaculate conception in my womb. I was not pregnant.

Not to worry, they did a test to check anyway. The nurse proudly informed me that I was not in fact pregnant. This did not prevent the next medical person from asking me again.

Turns out, those drugs I had been inhaling were Claritin - which as you know you're supposed to take every 24 hours - not every 4 like I had been. My bad!

The icing on the cake for all of this was when I went to a doctor for a follow-up appointment. I discovered in the waiting room that this doctor promoted cosmetic surgery. He did not hesitate to tell me that running is unhealthy. Not a word about accidental allergy medicine overdoses or dehydration in humidity. Clearly I just shouldn't work out. I suppose he was hoping I'd be his next liposuction patient?

(I wrote about this for my running club's newsletter: "The Perks of Passing Out" in the Dec 2005 issue. I think that was funnier than what I wrote here, but I was too lazy to retype it :) )

Now that I've shared these debacles, this weekend's race is bound to go well, right? Right?

Okay, well just in case it doesn't, have you had any athletic embarrassments? That I can chuckle over as I mourn whatever befalls me Sunday morning? :)