Sometimes I forget that I've only been Catholic for eight months. I've done so much reading and praying and thinking and learning and blogging that I feel like I know so much! Then other times, I realize with a jolt that I've barely started down this path.
What brought this to mind recently was my last confession.* While there, I brought up another subject, and the priest gave me an instruction regarding a specific situation. I did not like it. I understood where he was coming from in giving it to me, but the very thought stressed me out to no end. I fretted about it for days. I prayed about it, mostly along the lines of "Oh, please God, don't make me have to do that! It's too hard! Please, noo!"
I regretted bringing up the other subject and vowed never to talk about anything but my sins in the confessional ever again. I wondered if the priest's instruction carried more or less weight in the confessional, as opposed to if our discussion had been outside it? What technically counted as a sin? I even toyed with the idea of not following his instruction, and then returning to confess that after the situation.
That last thought was like a slap in the face. One of the reasons I sneered at Catholics as a Protestant was because I thought they would do just that thing - easily sin, because you can just bop into confession afterwards and be forgiven. Then when I became Catholic I realized that it is not really an easy thing to make yourself go to the sacrament of reconciliation - you never want to do something with the intent of having to go confess it afterwards! The fact that I felt even a tiny pull of temptation towards this was unacceptable. After that, I was able to fully give it up in prayer, and sincerely beg God to take control of this situation.
I also had to discuss it all with my husband. I wasn't sure if what happened in the confessional was supposed to stay in the confessional, but I really can't keep secrets from my husband - especially when they're stressing me out. My husband also did not agree with the priest's instruction, and actually insisted that I not follow it.
Oh, man! I knew he was trying to help me, but this just stressed me out even more. Now when the situation arose, no matter what I did, I would essentially be disobeying someone that I wanted to obey - either the priest or my husband!
In desperation, I prayed even harder. The situation was going to happen in about a month and a half.
I'm ashamed to say I'm not the best at persevering in prayer. I prayed hard for a week or two, then it kind of dropped off my radar, due in part to exhaustion.
Luckily, it did not drop off of God's radar. He swooped in and ensured that the situation would not happen this time. Hallelujah! And phew.
This situation certainly will happen at some point this year. But I praised God for buying me some time. In this time, I need to be intentional in resolving this situation. I need to continue to discuss it with my husband. I should go back and discuss this with the priest more, in a one-on-one conversation outside of the confessional. And most importantly, I need to continue praying about it! I believe God can give me a clear answer. I just need to be better at persevering in asking and actually listening for the answer.
Have you ever received an instruction that you really didn't want to follow? What did you do? Do you have any practical suggestions for persevering in prayer? (And am I doing confession wrong?)
*I think reconciliation's great, but this post isn't an apologetic for the sacrament. Plus, I think I'm still a bit confused about the difference between confession and spiritual guidance. Finding a spiritual director should really be bumped up higher on my to-do list!