Early in grad school, I had big plans. Awesome plans. I was going to become a forensic linguist and work in intelligence and fulfill my lifelong dream of being Nancy Drew. Okay, maybe I wouldn't have a blue roadster, but I could actually use my knowledge to solve cases and help people! With this goal in mind, I went to work. I joined the right organization and networked with the right people and discovered that this really could feasibly happen. I met two men from a government agency and a dissertation topic fell into my lap. They had an entire database of threat notes that I could research. I was beyond elated. Sure, textual analysis wasn't exactly my field of expertise (I was into speech and voice comparisons), but this was too good of an opportunity to pass up.
I got to work putting together my proposal. In the meantime, my boyfriend proposed himself, and my life was perfect. The perfect fiance and the perfect dissertation, surely to be followed by the perfect career.
I visited the agency and checked out the database. The agent in charge explained all the background checks and things I would have to go through to be able to work there for the couple months necessary. He warned that I would have to take a polygraph, which was a new requirement. He warned about the drug policy, asking several times to be sure that I had not violated it. I was unconcerned about both issues - I had never in my life done drugs and had nothing to lie about!
I methodically filled out the pages and pages of paperwork for background checks. A month before our wedding, I went in for the polygraph.
Now, I think most people are fairly nervous when it comes to taking a lie detector test. I wasn't in the least. I was mostly just excited! My first experience with real intelligence equipment!
The agent running the polygraph walked me through each question he would ask. Then he set me up in a small room, facing the corner with wires attached to various body parts. One by one he asked the yes or no questions. Then again, the same questions in a different order.
"How am I doing?" I asked cheerfully. The agent did not respond, and I cringed as I realized maybe he thought my attitude was a bit cavalier. Finally for the third time, he asked the same questions in a still different order.
He turned me back around.
"You're having a consistent response to one of the questions," he informed me.
"Which one?" I stammered in shock.
"The question about drugs," he replied.
I have never done drugs. I've never even smoked a cigarette, let alone done drugs! I'm such a goody-goody that I don't even know what drugs look like! I explained all of this to the agent.
He reminded me of the policy, and explained that he could rephrase the question to just ask if I'd done drugs in the past 7 years, since that was the official policy.
But I've never done them!
He told me stories of several people he'd tested who just couldn't bear to admit that they'd done drugs, that they'd buried their use almost into their subconscious. A boy whose father worked for this agency. An old man who'd all but forgotten his wild teenage years. If I, like these people, could just admit that I'd done them, then he could rephrase the question and we could move past this little glitch.
But I've never done them!
This went on for a bit longer, the wide-eyed farm girl protesting her innocence to the hardened investigator. Finally, since I couldn't confess to any previous use and redo the test, we were finished. When I fearfully asked what happened next, he explained that he would send his report and recommendation to the people that officially analyze the results, and I would hear from them in a few weeks. It seemed that the best I could hope for would be that the results were inconclusive.
I made it back into my car before bursting into tears. I called my fiance and sobbed to him at work. I called my college friend and asked her if I had ever done drugs. After all, maybe the agent was right and I had been really drunk at some point and did them but didn't remember somehow?! She laughed at my question and confirmed that no, I had never done drugs. I drove home completely dumb-founded.
The Monday before our wedding, I got a phone call from the agent I was planning to work with. He informed me that I had failed the polygraph. I explained what had happened. I'm not sure whether he believed me or not (that was really the worst part), but he generously offered to let me retake it. A bit jaded, I declined. Certainly I would have another "strong reaction" to that question if I took it again!
And just like that, the door was closed. My awesome dissertation was out of the question. While the opportunity to work for the government wasn't completely cut off, any application process would have to include my failed polygraph result. My big plans for the future were up in smoke.
But there was one plan that was still rock solid. I was getting married in five days. I let my fiance, family, and adviser know that things had fallen through and I would be pursuing a different line of research (heaven knew what) after we returned from our honeymoon. Then I put the whole thing out of my mind and just enjoyed getting married.
Looking back two years later, I can shake my head and laugh at it all. For a girl who has never done drugs to fail a polygraph over that specific question is just the clearest way I think God could tell me to go in a different direction. Yes, instead of blaming the polygraph technique or the agent or anyone else, I place the blame squarely on God. In a good way. I was so focused on my goal that I was blind to the things that would have made it horrendously difficult to actually produce a solid dissertation from this. The research I ended up doing was much better than what I would've done. I'm not sure what His other reasons for having this happen were, but I'm okay with that. I'm glad that not only was the sign to not do this crystal clear, but there was actually no way I could still do it - no misinterpretation allowed!
It wasn't that God didn't want me to get my Ph.D. I've known all along that getting my doctorate was what I was supposed to do. He and I just had different ideas about how I should go about it, and I'm glad He stepped in to make sure I took His path. It was a good and fruitful journey, and I can't wait to see what He has planned next!