One thing I never thought about before I was engaged was how getting married would change other relationships. I knew it would change my relationship with my husband, and I couldn't wait! However, I didn't realize it would change my relationship with my mother.
My mother and I have always been close. You know those teenage girls who get into huge screaming fights with their mothers? That was never us. I know it sounds corny, but I always realized that she always wanted the best for me. (This is not to say we never disagreed. It's just we both kind of understood where the other was coming from.) Plus I was the only daughter, so I might've been a tiny bit spoiled. Don't let my brothers know I'm admitting that.
So our relationship was great. Ever since I left for college, I call my parents on Sunday afternoons for a chat. They raised me to be an independent woman, so no need for them to be those helicopter parents who talk to their children daily. If there were any disagreements, it was usually me and Mom versus Dad. My mom and I were of one heart and mind.
But things have changed now. I knew in my mind that when you leave your parents and cleave to your spouse, that person is number one now. But I didn't know how that would change your relationship with your former number one.
The first time I felt this tug was creating the wedding guest list. My mother wanted to invite everyone. My then-fiance wanted a smaller wedding, especially since our side of the gust list was already twice the size of his. I hated going back and forth between them. And when they'd ask me what I wanted, I could only say "For everyone to be happy!" I saw both sides and didn't really have a preference either way.
A few other things have come up since then, most recently this past weekend. My mother expected me to fly to a family event on short notice. My husband did not plan to go (my parents were okay with this). And this time I actually did have an opinion: I didn't want to go. My mother was not only disappointed, but also surprised that (a) her sentimental daughter was going to miss this and (b) didn't sound too upset about it. I think in her mind, my absence said something about me, something about her, and something about the event itself.
This all made me realize that I have changed since I got married, in various ways and for various reasons. Not a lot, but definitely enough for a mother to notice. But since we're 1000 miles apart, it's hard to discuss this. "Mom, do you not like the woman I've become?" is a tough enough question to ask, let alone over the phone.
My biggest concern is that our relationship is in this weird transitional phase. Not all the time - just occasionally. Sometimes when we talk on the phone it's awkward. Awkward! With my mother! The very thought is repulsive! A few months ago I asked her if it was like this with her and my grandmother when she first got married. "No, not really," she replied. Ugh, stick the knife deeper in my heart! You mean that this isn't something that everyone goes through?!
What do you all think? Did your relationship with your mother (or other former number one) change when you got married? Did you have an awkward transitional time, or is that just me? Any tips on getting through it and making it better?