This treatise on sexual modesty had me gasping out loud. Most of the time, stricken horror was plastered across my face. This is not a book for the faint-hearted! Wendy Shalit dives into the debauchery that women in our society live with – the fruits of the sexual revolution, like rape and promiscuity. Her sense of humor is very sharp, and quite effective.
I was hoping that she was just shocking me in the beginning to get my attention, but I remained outraged throughout the rest of the book. I was hoping her ability to horrify me would translate to an ability to inspire me. While I was thoroughly convinced of the importance of sexual modesty by the end, it left me with an uneasy feeling – like we’d better get modest or else!
The target audience seems to be single women, as opposed to a happily married gal like me who was for the most part sexually naïve. That led me to wonder – have things really changed that much between Shalit’s and my times? She’s not quite ten years my senior, and this book was written ten years ago (1999). Have the glimmers of hope she alluded to in the end really worked their magic that fast? Or have our environments been that different? I think it’s probably a little of both. I’m not saying the horrible things she talks about aren’t present in the Midwest and South, like in the “dens of inequity” that are the East Coast and California – they are. But I do wonder if it’s less extreme in the heartland.
This book was all about sexual modesty, not so much dressing modestly. It was a hip, edgy, and powerful argument for chastity, refusing to fall into categories of “feminist” or “conservative.” Despite my appall, I’m glad I read it… I only wish I had read it about eight years earlier!
That’s the end of the short version of my review. If you’re interested in reading more, I go into greater depth, chapter by chapter, below. And by the way, I no longer have any excuse to stall. Coming next week: I bite the bullet and clean my closet!
After reading Part One, I was ready to move to that deserted island like my husband’s always talking about, or even his dream of Alaska. Anywhere to get away from the ridiculous people that our society is made up of! Seriously, I was sick to my stomach when I read about sex ed (Chapter 1), what the kids in some schools are exposed to and the obvious connection to sexual harassment and increased sexual activity among teens. Chapter 2 discussed hooking up and mandatory fake post-break-up friendships (the only respite in this section, since I was somewhat familiar with this). I was horrified once again in Chapter 3, as she moved on to stalking and raping, street harassment, and “the normalization of pornography.” Two good quotes from this chapter:
A man who is alone with a woman is not thereby excused from acting morally. The date-rape crisis is not feminist hysteria, as conservatives say, nor is it a sign of the patriarchy, as the feminists say. It is one more indication that we have failed to socialize our males in the specific way that Fielding and Richardson took so seriously.
Our pursuit of androgyny, though, has not aided the task of socializing our males. It’s rather difficult to turn around suddenly and try to teach men to be gentle around women, when we have been training them all along to assume that women are the same as they. (pg 42-43)
We all seem to long for the advantages of a more moral, less crude society, but we want it without having to judge anyone else or draw any lines in the sand. Nobody wants to be accused of being a prig, to be the one to say, Excuse me, but this isn’t “tantalizing,” this is just sick. (pg 51)
Chapter 4 moves on to “New Perversions” such as eating disorders (“the only way our culture allows a woman to find order in a sexually chaotic landscape”), a mix-up in what we ashamed of, immodesty in dress, infidelity, and some big “forbidden” questions. She really hammers home how, in our constant pushing of young girls’ independence, they are often left with no guidance whatsoever, with the idea that it’s better to give them no advice whatsoever than to be sexist and tell them what to do. My two favorite quotes from this chapter:
Apparently diversity ends where religious morality begins. (pg 61)
Essentially, feminists hope to change the behavior of men without the women having to change. That will never happen. They want the men to be gentlemen without having to be ladies. Conservatives, mostly men, for their part, want the women to be ladies while still getting to do whatever the want, and clucking “boys will be boys.” That will never happen, either. Everybody wants the other guy to change and to be nice to him, without having to change his own behavior. If women want the men to be good, they have to want to be good too. If men want women to be ladies, they have to start acting honorably. (pg 75)
After stunning us with the consequences of sexual immodesty in Part One, Shalit moves on to describe sexual modesty in Part Two. In Chapter 5, she discusses how modesty still surfaces, though the woman guilty of this is charged with modern woman’s “cardinal sin: not being comfortable with her body” (pg 86). Shalit points out the difference between actions guided by “internal inspiration” as opposed to those guided by “external authority,” arguing that internal motivations are much more powerful than the law. After all,
What is all women expected a lot of men? What if all women were faithful and expected the men to be faithful? Then treating a woman well wouldn’t be some ensnaring “net,” it would be the state of affairs. (pg 105)
And when I read the following passage, I was reminded strongly of Vatican II’s closing message, that women can do much to keep humanity from falling. Shalit’s a Jewish woman, showing that this isn’t just some Catholic idea that our culture can just dismiss.
What women will and will not permit does have a profound way of influencing the behavior of an entire society. This influence is felt not simply because a woman has traditionally inculcated – or failed to inculcate – the mores in her children and thereby those of the next generation. A woman’s sexual modesty puts her, significantly, in a position to be the ultimate worldly arbiter of a man’s worth. (pg 98)
Chapter 6 looks at the definitions of modesty since the 1700s and the difference between men and women’s types of sexual desire. Chapter 7 provides Shalit’s evidence that modesty is natural. She concludes the chapter by looking at modesty in a positive light (finally!):
A young woman today has basically two options open to her: to pretend she’s a man, or to be feminine in a desperate, victim-like way. …
The sexual revolution seems to have failed mostly because it ignored the differences between the sexes – specifically, the importance of female modesty. …
Modesty is our way out. For women who are tired of being told they must be either men or victims, modesty offers a new choice. …
Not only do we think there are differences between the sexes, but we think these differences can have a beautiful meaning – a meaning that isn’t some irrelevant fact about us but one that can inform and guide our lives. …
We want out dignity back, our “feminine mystique” back, and, along with it, the notion of male honor.” (pgs 138-140)
Hello, New Feminism!! Women are women, and it's a beautiful thing!
Chapter 8 ends this section by diving into that notion of male honor, which Shalit describes as the correlation to womanly modesty.
So, then, is it more manly for a man to be boorish around a woman or to be gentle? Somehow boorishness has come to be associated with manliness, when in fact it is just boyishness. … Too many egalitarians equate male gentleness or protectiveness with subordination, while too many conservatives equate it with effeminacy. Both sides are wrong. A man should be gentle around a woman. That’s part of what it means to be a man. (pg 147)
Part Three continued to be provocative. Chapter 9 rails against our society’s approach to femininity as a problem to be cured. Chapter 10 talks about how modesty can be more erotic than seeing a ton of flesh all the time, which just breeds indifference. Shalit also makes the case that modest women are more sensual.
Chapter 11 screams to please do interfere! Kids need advice – they can’t be expected to know how to choose the right thing to do when they’ve never been taught right from wrong. Everyone needs to quit pulling the “As long as you’re happy” line and actually care about what other people are doing. Not to yell and judge, but to actually love the other person enough to discuss this stuff with them. And keep in mind that the divorce culture doesn’t just affect children whose parents actually are divorced – it affects all children.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that the Pill was addressed in this chapter! “For an unmarried woman the Pill – all contraception, for that matter – is essentially a conspirator in her self-deception.” (pg 207) Of course I was thrilled, but don’t think she went far enough in that area. Shalit did recognize what a risk it was to say discuss this and brought it up anyway, though, so at least that’s a start.
Chapter 12 concludes with where to go from here. We’ve discovered that independence and freedom are not the same thing, and that maybe those religions that have survived thousands of years (the ones that view modesty as “inextricably entwined with holiness” (pg 218)) are onto something. It’s time for a new sexual revolution!
Why? “The most compelling rationale for a return to modesty is our discovery that our culture of immodesty isn’t, finally, as sexy as we thought it was going to be.” (pg 236)
What will be the result? “Indeed, the primary and most direct consequence of a recovery of modesty’s meaning would be an end to a culture that objectifies women and inadvertently encourages the violent acting-out of any deep misogynous impulses. Yet just as it would save many women from harm, so, too, it would confer on women a new version of an old obligation – the obligation to serve as the civilizing force in a culture that seems increasingly uncivilized.” (pg 113)
Will it be hard? Of course. “But consider yourself forewarned: If you refuse to be cured of your sensitivity or your womanhood, if you start defending your right to your illusions, be prepared for people to tell you that you are silly and childish. Be prepared for some to make fun of you directly, and for others to be more sophisticated about it and try to reduce your hopes to various psychological maladies. Don’t believe them for a second.” (pg 237)
Can it be done? Yes!! “After all, I don’t see why our parents should get to have a monopoly on sexual revolutions.” (pg 244)
Related Links:
The Good Girl Revolution (by Wendy Shalit) www.girlsgonemild.com
Modestly Yours (group blog)
Fumbling Toward Grace's review of Shalit's works
I think you can also see clips of the author on YouTube.