I never realized how many "Mommy Wars" there were until I got pregnant. The working mother vs stay-at-home mother is the most well known, of course, but it turns out there are a ton of issues that mothers will judge each other over.
It starts at the very beginning, with labor and childbirth. Are you going natural, getting an epidural, having an elective cesarean? Doing it at home, a birthing center, a hospital? More decisions follow immediately. Are you circumcising the boy? Will you feed from the breast or bottle? Will you use cloth or disposable diapers? Will the baby get all the vaccines, some of them, none of them, a delayed order? We move on to sleeping issues: co-sleeping, crying it out? Before long we get to educational decisions: public, private, or homeschooling? And of course the big kahuna: will you stay at home, work full time, work part time, work from home, or some other arrangement?
The list goes on and on! The important thing, in my opinion, is that each family has considered all the options, discussed them, and determined what is best for their own family. (Note that I didn’t say what is best for the individual mother, or what is best for the individual child, but what is best for the entire family.)
I also think it’s important to realize that these things can change. For example, I know exactly how I want to do things right now: I'm planning on staying at home, natural childbirth, breastfeeding only, co-sleeping, etc. But I am quite aware that things may not go this way: I may need an emergency C-section, we might have problems breastfeeding, co-sleeping may not work for us, and so on. And even if everything goes as planned with this child, we may have to modify what we do with future individual children.
I want to do these things because my husband and I believe they are the best way to raise our child(ren). We’ve discussed these things and determined that they are right for our family. I have to be careful, though, not to push this on other people - because for them it may not be the best way. To be honest, this is hard sometimes. The difficulty in keeping your mouth shut is understandable - after you've put so much thought and research and prayer into something, you can't understand how someone can choose to do something different, and you want to help them see the light. This isn't always bad - sometimes a person may legitimately not have realized there was another option and be glad you pointed it out. But really, I think most women have thought about these things, and are more likely to be offended that you think they're wrong. (Just like you're offended if they think you're wrong.) Maybe they haven’t given your way a fair trial, but is it really your place to preach about it? Let your life be an example, not your words. And stay open to what others are doing – you might be surprised to learn something yourself! (I’m saying this more as a reminder to myself than as words of wisdom to you all!)
We have to realize that most of the things we’re arguing about are negotiable and not crucial to the Truth. If another mother’s style really bothers you, ask yourself if this has an effect on the soul of the child or the parents. The answer is probably no. Realize that each mother is trying to do what's best for her family (and even if it doesn't seem that way, give her the benefit of the doubt). For example, as important as I think it is to breastfeed, it doesn't work for everyone (for a variety of reasons), and the women that don't are shelling out big money buying formula so their babies still get fed. And (as much as it pains me to say it) in the end, that's what matters: the baby gets fed.
I think people can tend to lump this kind of mommy acceptance in with moral relativism, but it seems to me that these are two different kinds of acceptance. Saying “anything goes” when it comes to something like sex can lead a soul to ruin; saying “anything goes” when it comes to something like infant sleeping arrangements is probably not going to cause anyone to go to Hell. (I guess maybe you could argue that by refusing to do X, you’re hardening your heart to Y, and you’re more likely to do/think Z, but that seems to be a bit of a stretch.)
If we spend all of our time judging each other on these discretionary decisions, we have no time for loving and supporting each other. And isn’t that where our energy should be directed?
To me, this is where New Feminism comes into play. Yes, it does seem that most women who currently identify with New Feminism would be more likely to live an attachment parenting lifestyle during their early mothering years (if for no other reason than the importance of extended, exclusive breastfeeding as a part of NFP). But New Feminism is not about sanctifying a specific parenting style. It’s about embracing the “feminine genius.” It’s about actually promoting women and supporting them in their lives as mothers and more. It celebrates motherhood, whether a woman has physically given birth or not. There are so many ways to live out our motherhood - our feminine genius - and our job is to not to denigrate but to encourage each other in our attempts to figure out how we as individual women will do it.
My husband sometimes asks, “Why do women hate each other so much?” This is a very telling question. (It could probably be a post on its own!) New Feminists don’t want women to hate each other. They want to unite women in love. And in my eyes, that is how we can resolve the Mommy Wars: love. I know, it sounds boring and simplistic and trite. But love is the key. Translate it as “charity” if that helps. Every interaction with another woman has to be infused with love – especially if you’re making different mothering choices from her.
Only then could women embrace the following motto:
“Unity in the essentials;
liberty in the non-essentials;
and in all things, love.”
To me, most of the Mommy War issues, while certainly very important, are non-essential.
What do you think? Am I being too accepting of some things? Do you think some of the Mommy War issues actually are essentials? Do I need to just keep my mouth shut until I’ve actually experienced all of this?
Note: As I mentioned, I’m writing this more as a reminder to myself than as advice to you all! I really need to work on this. So please don’t think that just because I wrote this, I’m able to follow it perfectly!