"Your top priority right now is making friends."
This is what my husband told me the other night. (And that is why I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth.) He knows that one of our priorities is in becoming part of a community, and that sometimes I need a kick in the rear to get on that. It took me a good two years to make friends back in Pennsylvania, and this time we are not willing to wait that long.
Searching out a village
One of the biggest reasons we moved was so we could be closer to my family, and it has already proven worth it in my book. And yet, "close" is a relative concept, as we are still an hour and a half drive from them. While that can provide us monthly or even weekly support, it is still not the day-in day-out nearness that a close community can provide.
I love the whole "It takes a village to raise a child" and really do believe we were designed to live in community like that. And yet I haven't quite figured out how to make that happen.* We women aren't all squatting around a communal fire to make supper - we're in our own kitchens, miles away from each other. We aren't washing our clothes in the river together - we're tossing a load into our personal washing machines. How can we do our daily work and raise our children together, without turning everything into child-centered playdates?
It's not that playdates are bad; it's just that we would like our children to see that their mother's lives don't completely revolve around them. Mostly, sure. But there's other work to be done and a parent's mission in life is not to provide entertainment. I have no doubt over the next several years there will be plenty of specific playdates on our schedule. But along with that, I want some village time. I want to spend the day with my friend Brooke learning how to make cheese and can tomatoes while our daughters - well, while our little girls do whatever. They can play, they can attempt to help us - I imagine they'll bounce back and forth and do both. And that is exactly how I want it to be.
Which tribe to join?
Before I can implement the (admittedly romanticized) village notion, though, I've got to make friends! In my quest for community, I made a list of all the ways I could think of to meet women like myself. Here they are:
Hang out with old college friends. I'm really excited to be near some of my girlfriends from college. But again, "near" is unfortunately a relative term. It's a good half hour to get to them, and when your child hates her car seat, it seems even longer.
Start in your neighborhood. We moved into a wonderful neighborhood. It's like 1950s picturesque suburbia with kids running around and little boys playing touch football through the backyards and big boys playing basketball in the street and girls talking under the trees. All their parents have been quite nice as well. And yet, they're all at least 10-15 years older than us, with their youngest kids still five years older than Miriam. They're in a different phase of parenting than we are. Now in a village of course there are a variety of ages and stages, so this isn't really a bad thing. But while I hope to learn a lot from them, I'd still like to do some seeking for mothers that are closer to my situation.
Church! Seeking out friendships in your church is, to me, the best plan of action. So I'm forging full steam ahead on that count, contacting the leaders of the women's group and actually introducing myself to other mothers I see at daily mass, as opposed to shyly smiling and waiting for them to talk to me. I do wish Catholics had Sunday school, so that my husband and I could make Christian friends simultaneously, but separate men's and women's groups will work. One of my prayers right now is for not just community, but a community that can help me, my husband, and my daughter to grow in holiness. What better place to find that than in the holy space of your church?
La Leche League and other mothering groups. Breastfeeding groups seem to be a natural place to find village-minded women, and I'm hoping to be proven right when I attend one next week. And yet I have to confess that I'm a bit nervous because now that Miriam is 9 months old, we no longer toe the tight LLL line - she's no longer co-sleeping but is in her own crib and she nurses on a routine (practically on a schedule) as opposed to on cue. Nonetheless, I'm going to assume that these women will welcome us with open arms.
Similarly, I discovered to my great delight that there is an Elimination Communication group in our area! But immediately doubt crept in - do all their babies run around naked at the meetings? I know we do EC, but what if we don't do it enough? Will they let us in even though Miriam is almost always in a diaper? I'm working hard to brush silly doubts like these aside and to think of these women as valuable resources and friends, as opposed to extremist experts who are going to judge whether or not we are doing the natural parenting thing "right." Of course I don't know how to manage EC with a mobile baby - I haven't had any examples! That's where this tribe can step in and help!
Continuing education courses. Am I the only one who enjoys looking through the adult education section of the local community college courses? I spied a "Home Maintenance 101" course specifically for ladies a few weeks ago and signed right up. Perhaps I would meet other new homeowners while learning how to put together a toilet! Unfortunately, apparently only women 60 and older decided to take this class, so there went that idea. I haven't given up hope yet on this count, though. I looked at our county extension website and saw some gardening classes I'm interested in, and will keep an eye on the continuing ed classes. Even if I don't make friends through these, I'm at least learning something!
Daughters of the American Revolution and other local clubs. Apparently I am an old lady at heart because I cannot wait to join DAR - and judging by the pictures, I'll be the youngest member by at least 20 years. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that if I'm interested in genealogy, there must be at least one other young(ish) woman out there who also likes drawing family trees. Somewhere?
The local gym. I'm quite excited to be starting a mommy and me swim class next week - Miriam and I get to play in the water and hopefully make new friends at the same time! While I haven't found individual working out to facilitate friendships, group fitness classes have more promise. So as soon as there's one that doesn't fall smack during Miriam's nap times, I'll be getting my zumba or cardio blast or aquacise on!
Intentionally creating community
Above all, right now I'm just trying to be intentional about forming friendships and establishing our village. I imagine it just gets tougher to get out and meet people with the more kids you have, so I'm trying not to complain about having to work around Miriam's naps to make it happen! Do you have any suggestions for how to go about creating a community? How have you done it? Is there anything I'm missing?
* While blogging really does feel a void and provide an important sense of community, it is unfortunately inherently lacking in the real life bring a meal over or watch your kids physical way.