You know how sometimes God will make something really clear to you? Isn't that the best? When you feel like, finally, you caught what He was hinting at and there's no doubt in your mind what move to make next? This doesn't necessarily happen often, so that makes it even more special in my mind. (Actually, I think it probably happens more often to those people who are actively listening for Him. Listening is not so much my strong suit.)
Well, over the past couple months I feel like He's been talking to me out the whazoo. This is great and exciting! But at the same time, I was feeling a little confused.
"God, I think you're calling me to too many different things right now," I might have mentioned. "And I'm really honored! And I'd love to serve You! But there's just so much and I'm overwhelmed. Where do I start?"
They were all good things, of course, but if I was in charge, I'd just call me to one thing at a time, so I'd make sure and do it well. As it was, I was bouncing around from wanting to dive into and proclaim New Feminism in four different ways, to wanting to contemplate and apply modesty, to trying to develop a relationship with Mary, to feeling a need to become more humble.
That last one, humility, is something I've known for a while. (We're talking years here. A decade even.) I always knew that of the seven deadly sins, pride was my big one! But it wasn't until the last couple months that I felt the need to actually do something about it.
So when Michelle posted a Litany of Humility the other day, I thought maybe I should try it out. I mean, if God was generous enough to make it that easy - all I had to do was print it out and I'd be good to go. But I hesitated, went on to read other people's blogs, and forgot about it as I went on with my day.
The next afternoon, I turned on the radio in my car. What was the announcer talking about? Humility, of course. What did he say next? How difficult and yet important it was to pray the Litany of Humility. Sometimes when things are that clear, you just have to shrug and say "Okay!"
And let me say that it is a hard prayer to pray. I do not particularly like doing it. But I can see the good in it. So even when I crinkled my nose and had to take a deep breath, I tried to pray it. A few times. God, of course, sensed my hesitation.
Fast forward to our last ENDOW study. Among the many topics of conversation, one was how God will make what He wants you to do manifestly clear. I nodded along. At the end, our leader told us how ENDOW sends out these beautiful prayer cards every Christmas. On the back of each one is a virtue, that God wants you to grow in over the next year.
"The Holy Spirit is going to make sure you get the right card for you," our leader explained.
I smiled at her obvious faith in this. How cute. And wouldn't it be funny if I did actually get humility? Then I'd know for sure. But I didn't really expect it, and wondered what virtue I would pull.
Why did I bother wondering and doubting?
Of course I got humility. Of course the Holy Spirit led me to say, no, not this first card I touched, I'm going for the one under it.
On the car ride home I laughed at myself. I'm such a silly human. How many times does God have to hit me over the head before I really will pay attention to Him?
And then all the pieces fell together. God wasn't calling me to a bunch of different things. Humility was the one thing God was calling me to, and all those other aspirations flow from it. Desiring a relationship with Mary, who was the Lord's humble handmaid. (If anyone had a reason to act holier-than-thou, it was her.) Desiring modesty, which as a virtue is so intertwined with humility. Even my interest in New Feminism is related to humility - one of the biggest things I learned from studying JPII's Letter to Women is the importance of being as opposed to doing. Prioritizing relationships over productivity. (I'm not sure I fully appreciate this teaching yet, so it's good to realize that I'm being called to experience it.)
So my goal is to grow in humility. I'm a bit nervous that it's gonna be really hard. But when God gives you so many hints, you've just got to take them. Who am I to say no?
Has God been nudging you lately? Have you taken the hint?